Vampires unite to fight negative campaigning
August 14, 2012
I just thought it was a good blog title.
Ever since I wrote GOD’S LOVE SUCKS: A Brief Memoir of a Born-Again Vampire, I have given a lot of thought to the massive amount of negative campaigning directed at vampires.
I don’t know why I used a picture of Karl Rove. So far as I know, he is not a vampire.
It is a real travesty that I believe we as writers need to address.
My vast research into vampirism (okay, so I didn’t do ANY research) has convinced me that it is time to set the record straight. If we all join hands and make a concerted effort to debunk vampire myths that form an iron collar around the neck of American society, an Albatross of misinformation and negativism, perhaps we can rid the literary world of this terrible scourge and in so doing set mankind on a new path of freedom.
Here are few vampire facts I discovered (okay, I didn’t “discover” them, I made them up, but what the heck?):
1. Garlic doesn’t bother vampires, but peanut butter is a vampire killer. (Just think how terrible it would be to have to give up peanut butter.)
2. The smell of guano is the bees knees to vampires. (Eau d’ guano sells out as soon as it hits the shelves.)
3. Sunlight doesn’t bother vampires. (That’s all a bunch of Stephanie Meyer horse hockey.)
4. Vampires tend to be apolitical. (I think it’s the longevity thing. If you’ve voted in every presidential election since Calvin Coolidge’s, you develop a long view of things and are not likely to become a zealot.)
5. Fake blood with Tabasco is a viable dietary supplement, although the side effect is that it makes a vampire’s nose hair grow like a watermelon vine. (It’s all in the book.)
6. Vampires are drawn to Romance Writers Groups. (Not vampire romance writers groups either. I’m talking about the real thing. Vampires obsess about the excessive use of the passive voice and beginning participles in today’s mainline fiction.)
7. Vampires don’t sleep. (It’s not like they sleep during the day and carouse all night. Nothing could be further from the truth. They are the backbones of the American labor force, working in many cases twenty-four hours per day, seven days per week. –note the “ing” word I used in the last sentence came in the final section. The vampire style manual suggests this usage if you are hell-bent to add “ing” to some word.)
8. Vampires prefer to covey up in cities with large bat populations. (That’s why Austin, Texas, is so popular.)
9 Vampires hate to hurt people’s feelings. (They are kind to a fault, even if it allows people to take advantage of them.)
10. Vampires abhor senseless acts of violence. (They only snuff people if they have to, and if the person has it coming.)
There are many other myth debunkers I could add, but I think now it’s your turn.
Can you help me set the record straight about vampires?